Although lots of BDSMers credit Fifty Shades of Grey for turning attention to all things kink (those into TS dating have every right to feel excluded here), many true practitioners agree that saying the film doesn’t do their community justice would be an understatement of the year, and below we explore why this is so.
1. BDSM is good for you
Various research suggests that people who prefer BDSM over vanilla sex are more extraverted, more open to new experiences, and less sensitive to rejection.
2. BDSM is about consent, not force
Surrendering to the other person is where pleasure comes from, not from being forced to do anything against your will. Consent is a huge part of the BDSM culture.
3. BDSM is safe
Members of the BDSM community are very concerned about the safety of their partners, contrary to what the movie would have you believe.
4. People who are kinky are not deviant
Christian Grey is definitely a troubling individual, but that’s nothing more than a stereotype surrounding BDSM. There is nothing diabolical about being into a little kink.
5. Kink is fun
Not that ‘regular’ sex isn’t, but unless you’ve tried a little kink, no offence, you don’t know what fun sex is!
6. Anyone can play any role
Anyone can be a dom, and anyone can be a sub in the real world. It’s not just big bad men who are always in control of things!
7. Subs have rules
Just because someone chooses to be a sub doesn’t mean they give permission to the dom to do whatever they like!
8. BDSM does not necessarily involve sex
A little BDSM can be included into a massage, feet rubbing, or anything else you find bondage gears sensual that doesn’t necessarily lead to sex (although it could).
9. A sub can say “no”
Contrary to what Fifty Shades would have you believe, a sub can always say “no” and stop anything that’s crossing the boundaries, if those boundaries don’t happen to be clearly defined.
10. Kinky people might surprise you
You’d be surprised to hear that kinky people can be highly educated, in powerful positions, or they could be stay-at-home moms with three kids, and their roles in BDSM may or may not have anything to do with their roles in life.
11. BDSMers don’t like Fifty Shades
The movie portrays the practice of BDSM in a very poor light, and anyone who’s a proud member of the kink community will tell you it’s just one stereotype after another that couldn’t be further away from reality.
12. It’s more than just whips and chains
So much more! Although some people like to get their BDSM stuff at a hardware store, others will just use toys to satisfy their kink without any pain whatsoever.
13. A BDSM encounter is called a “scene”
Since it’s not necessarily about having sex, you can’t call it a “hook up”.
14. No role is carved in stone
Partners often switch roles depending on their mood, so they’re neither doms nor subs. A person who switches roles is called a “switch“. A switch is someone with no clear role preference, a very common occurrence in the BDSM subculture.
15. BSDM involves taking courses
You don’t just go get a whip and some leather boots, and you’re all set. There are actual courses on BDSM so you understand the notions and the technical stuff behind the practice.
16. Maximize ecstasy and minimize risk
What most books, reading material and courses on BDSM will teach you is how to maximize pleasure and minimize risk, both physically and psychologically.
17. Don’t go anywhere without a safe word
Unless you and your partner have been together for all eternity, don’t get into a BDSM relationship without establishing a safe word!
18. SSC
Didn’t pick up on the SSC stuff in Fifty Shades? No kidding. SSC stands for safe, sane, and consensual – the backbone of any BDSM encounter.
19. The movie is a fantasy
Fifty Shades makes it look so easy and spontaneous, but it isn’t. You have to know how to handle equipment properly, and you have to be able to trust the person tremendously.
20. There is so much talking in BDSM
Sure, there is sex, but is also lots of talking before, during and after sex.
21. Debriefing matters
In addition to talking about consent, safe words, and what each partner is into, there is usually talking at the end of the “scene” to make sure everything went as expected.
22. Kink is not a one-size-fits-all kind a thing
There are so many toys, equipment, and ways to use them that it takes a great deal of time and effort to truly explore kink from every angle.
23. Kink is not reserved for new relationships
If you want to explore kink in your current relationship, please say so!
24. Kink aware professionals directory
If you’re worried that your gynecologist or your lawyer isn’t sensitive enough to understand your BDSM needs, there is an actual kink aware professionals directory where you can find professionals who’ll understand!
25. There is nothing wrong with people who are kinky
Being into BDSM doesn’t mean you’re twisted, damaged or weird in any way. On the contrary!
