Levels of Dominance Vary. How can you tell if a woman is dominant?
Dear Akasha:
Hey, thanks for writing back…I wanted to know what advice you would have on how I would find out if a woman that i was dating (or potentially going to date), is interested in female domination…It sounds dumb, I know, i just want to make sure I don’t offend her, or make a complete idiot of myself.
Trying to Tell
**************
Dear Trying to Tell:
If you are wanting to know how to find a dominant woman or identify dominant women, there are a few quick solutions:
One easy solution to trying to find a dominant woman is to visit local S&M groups, clubs or organizations where dominant women exist.
For some, though, this is not an option. In those cases, the submissive men must look in normal everyday walks of life, and are left trying to identify what women in a crowded room might be femdoms. After all, we (dominant women) don’t wear tags that say “IN THE MOOD TO WHIP”. Sometimes men try to pick out dominant women by their attire or demeanor — a woman in some nice leather boots or a short leather skirt, or a woman who comes off as a bit on the bitchy side.
Sadly, many men find out, after dating these women for some time, that they are in fact totally submissive in the bedroom. Sometimes men even marry these women, hoping that the dommish “edge” they thought they recognized would eventually blossom into full-blown domina — and it never does.
There are two kinds of women that fit into the category that you seek, I believe. The first is a full fledged, totally self admitted dominant woman — I’d put myself in that category. I enjoy my good dose of S&M once a week or more, I have a closet full of evil toys and implements and I thoroughly enjoy erotic power exchange on a regular basis, and it is a requirement in my relationships with men. The second kind of woman you are probably seeking is a dom-curious woman, or a woman that has never been exposed to it, but would take to it if she were. In short, a woman that will not slam the door in your face when you bring it up, or go “What are you, a freak?”.
Identifying the first type of woman (the type that I am, the full fledged femdom) is easy. The answer is simple: if she is attracted to you, she will let you know. She will be the one to say, “Are you into S&M at all? Have you ever been tied up?”.
However, it sounds like you want a faster solution. You want to be able to pick out the femdoms so you can pursue them as partners, and you want to be able to ask them right up front if they are into it so you can know for sure. As much as that sounds like a great way to do it, it just doesn’t really work that way. Sure, you can eliminate costly dating and wondering by just asking a woman in the first five minutes, “I see you are wearing some very night leather boots. I hope I am not being too forward, but are you into S&M?”.
The problem with this approach is twofold. First, if she is a dominant woman, you may be giving her a bad first impression — that you are looking for a femdom, and are hoping she’ll slip into that category for you. That is, you are looking for the femdom first, not the woman. If it’s the first thing you notice, some women may be put off by it.
The second problem is that you may alienate her, even if she is the type that COULD warm up to bondage and S&M if introduced to it in a slightly different manner — ie, after dating and getting to know someone.
Take a vanilla guy for example. Take a vanilla guy who loves blowjobs more than anything, and it is his favorite type of sex, and he cannot live without it. There are some women out there that hate giving oral sex (I have no idea why, but that’s another story). Even though he knows it’s a valuable (critical, a deal breaker to be honest) part of his sexual needs, he can’t feasibly eliminate the discovery process with a woman by asking early in the flirtation stages, “So, how do you feel about blowjobs?”
In the real world, you have to get to know a woman before you can find out about her sexuality, pure and simple. Luckily, we do live in a time where it’s common to be open and frank about sexual matters fairly early on in relationships, as we have the need to discuss safe sex and past partners.
I strongly discourage men from trying to peg femdoms by looks, attitude and clothing. I also strongly discourage asking pointed questions before developing a mutually engaging flirtation, or going on a few dates. I think it’s reasonable to expect that as you get to know someone, you can bridge the question early enough to not result in heartache because you’ve totally bonded only to find out she’d never even consider doing anything kinky.
Now, for the good news.
I can tell you this: It is VERY possible to develop the ability to identify women who are either into dominance or open to it. In short, you will find yourself having better intuition, and ending up with women who take to dominance. The trick, though, is to learn how to attract these type of women.
I have met several men in the past few years who had successfully courted and dated not one — not two — but three or more “dom-curious” women — and they didn’t meet them through ads, S&M clubs, BDSM parties or anything. They met them in normal social situations.
What is the common theme between these men? What are the traits they possess which make it all possible? I’ll share them, and encourage single men who are looking for femdoms to adopt them.
The biggest common theme among these men is that they admit they “learned” to identify what kind of women would be open to it. But it wasn’t because of the way a woman looked or acted, it was just a “gut feeling”. Perhaps it is an intuition that is developed.
The other common threads are:
1. They were socially outgoing, self confident and didn’t have much fear. I think this is important because it takes some level of comfort and guts to not only identify but to APPROACH and PURSUE a woman they feel may be “open” to S&M — rather than sit back and wait to see if she contacts him.
2. They were extremely educated — I am not sure if this is a common theme or just a coincidence, but they all had multiple degrees.
3. They were good at dating. They had very honed social skills when it came to women and had refined “dating” skills. I think this may come from just having a lot of experience.
4. They were in touch with their feminine side or at least had a very keen understanding of women and how the female mind works. Again, this may come from just spending a lot of time dating and being with women. I think by understanding women better, they perhaps are able to subconsciously understand subtle personality traits that may be akin to dominance.
5. They were very good lovers. Good in bed, good sensualists, very experienced and not at all insecure about their capabilities in bed. I think this also may be related to experience — and I think that perhaps sexually comfortable/competent men attract women who are also of that type — hence, probably more open to alternative sexuality.
6. You would never, in a million years, pinpoint them as being submissive if you just met them. They are not meek, shy, timid or at all softspoken — but not loud and obnoxious either. Again, I think that women who are of the same social type are naturally attracted to them (and vice versa), and perhaps that points to their higher level of social intersecting with “femdom” type women.
7. They were “out” as kinky to close friends and sometimes family. I think this demonstrates a level of comfort with their “sub” side on the one hand, and secondly also increases their social networking circle to include women a friend may meet, hear she’s kinda kinky and say “Hey my friend Joe is kind of into that. You should hook up with him.” It also demonstrates they don’t have ambivalence or uncertainty about their sexuality.
8. They weren’t looking for 24/7, lifestyle domination or even “always power games in the bedroom” — they were looking for regular, sincere domination from a woman who got off on it and loved the power and let it add spice to their lovemaking. It wasn’t something they would give up, but it wasn’t the ruling factor in the bedroom, either. It was a very regular, integrated part of their sex life.
9. A key component to what they seek was “The woman MUST enjoy it”; secondary (if present at all) was any fetish or specific fantasy.
10. The common theme in “how did you bring it up to the vaniilla woman you were dating” was something along the lines of “When I let her know I was into S&M, she wasn’t offended, shocked or all that surprised, and was kind of intrigued by it.”
See any common themes? I think “women” that are “open” to power games in bed are women who are generally more aggressive, outgoing, sexually very adept and comfortable. As a result, they seek men that are the same — and would not initially be attracted to the shy, quiet guy — or the guy that doesn’t really have an understanding of women, dating, or human sexuality. They are open to a wide variety of sexual “games” and adventures, and often take to domination because it gives them the ability to explore fun, kinky things with a man they trust and a man that makes them feel very good in bed.
While women fully self-identified as “femdoms” have a better understanding of the wide variety of dynamics in sub men (ie, that some may be shy, some may be a little less experienced if they have waited to date because they sought dominance), your average “vanilla” woman with “good kink potential” probably is more likely to orient herself toward men that express typical values and styles that women, statistically, are drawn to— drive, success, self confidence, strength and initiative.
That’s what I have witnessed in my own personal experiences. I can tell you, the sub men that I have dated who said “You are the first femdom I have met that I didn’t introduce it to” all had the above qualities, but also admitted to having very little trouble finding women to grow with and explore with, and had some very longlasting, kinky relationships as a result.
Best of luck,
Akasha
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(c) Copyright 1999 by Akasha. All rights reserved (reprinted with permission of the author).