A Cynics Guide to Online Chat
( how to do it and survive )
A non-too serious primer for the bewildered on the pleasures and pitfalls of online chat
[ed. this article goes way back to around 1997, so the technology is very archaic, but it’s informative and funny enough that we keep it live for posterity!)
Part 1:
What is Online Chat ?
Personal computing and the internet have made possible the biggest and most liberating revolution in personal communication the world has ever seen. All around the globe, people in their millions are getting online and connecting with others. Email was the first big thing but it is rapidly being overtaken by instant messaging (IM) and online chat. Put in the simplest terms, Online Chat is a means of conversing in real-time via your computer keyboard and screen with anyone else on the internet. You can either talk to them directly, person-to person in a private conversation not visible to others, or you can talk in a channel or chat-room (the words are inter-changeable ). A chat-room is like a public room with a number of people in. You can see their chosen nicknames and also their public conversations on your screen and join in yourself if you want. You can also can talk privately to anyone there so that no-one else can see your conversation. There are tens of thousands of chat-rooms, catering for every kind of interest under the sun. Here though we’re concentrating on the use of online chat and chatrooms for BDSM activities .
What do people do in chatrooms ?
Everything their imaginations can come up with. Unfortunately not too many people have that good an imagination, so a great deal of socialising in online BDSM chatrooms exists at the level of terminal banality. You can spend hours watching conversations that would make watching paint dry seem like a big adrenalin rush. But some people like that, and thats fine. Or you can have every kind of wild and perverted cyber-sex you’ve ever dreamed of. Some people like that too. A lot of what goes on in BDSM online chatrooms is just friendly chit-chat, as indeed are a lot of the private conversations. Of course some people also “play” or “scene” both privately and in chatrooms too. This is where they have “cyber-sex” or act out BDSM fantasies. If you’ve ever wanted to dress up as Osama Bin Laden while being whipped with wet lettuce, then its time you gave online chat a try.
What is virtual D/s and cybersex ?
In some BDSM chat-rooms ‘sceneing’ or cybersex is either permitted or encouraged. Two or more people will construct a shared sexual or D/s fantasy, describing how they feel and what they are ‘doing’ to each other. They may be accompanied by physical actions (eg the notorious ‘one-handed typing’) or everything may happen just in their minds and on the screen. Many people regard cybersex as harmless fantasy because they say its not happening in the ‘real world’. Well, thats debatable. Within this new BDSM ‘cyber-world’ people make friends, fall in love, break each others hearts, and do all of the things that they might do in the ‘real world’, but without physically being together. People can have a promiscuous orgy of ‘virtual sex’ every night, or they can form stable and loving D/s relationships. For some the world of ‘virtual BDSM’ is just an online diversion which has no reality or meaning once their computer is switched off. For others, perhaps isolated by geography or social commitments, it represents the only chance they have to explore an important part of their make-up. For some people it provides an opportunity to search for and find their ‘soul-mate’ in a way that would never be possible in ‘real-life’. Views about ‘virtual’ D/s are mixed. Some regard it as nothing more than a diverting game, and argue that a ‘real’ D/s relationship is only possible where the people are physically together. Others say that D/s is, in essence, the relationship between two minds and that this finds its purest and most powerful form online rather than in ‘real-life’. Decide for yourself.
How do I get started ?
Most new computers come already set up with some kind of software that will let you chat with people online. AOL, for example, has built-in instant messaging software and many online ‘communities’ where you can chat with others. ICQ (a free download from http://web.icq.com/ ) is a powerful online communication tool with millions of users and lots of BDSM communities and chat-rooms.The original, and still wildly popular, chat-medium is Internet Relay Chat (IRC) which has a huge number of BDSM related chat rooms on its many servers. You can get helpful information about how to get started on IRC here ( http://www.irc.org/) . The range of software to chat online is growing and changing each day, so this is just a sample but hopefully it will be enough to get you started.
Where can I find BDSM chatrooms ?
This is such a huge and rapidly changing area that lists of chatrooms go out of date very quickly. Both AOL and ICQ have flourishing BDSM and D/s chatrooms and communities if you search for them. IRC probably still has the widest variety of BDSM, spanking, fetish and D/s chatrooms of all kinds, so if thats your preference then here’s a pretty good list of irc chatrooms to try out. You can also check out our own BDSM Cafe link page which also lists enough suitable IRC channels to get you started. Many BDSM websites also have links to chatrooms.
What are BDSM chatrooms like ?
As varied as the people who visit them. Some are relaxed places to chat, some focus on worthy discussions about aspects of BDSM, some impose rigid codes of conduct, and others are mostly about online ‘sceneing’ and cybersex. If I had to generalise, I’d say that online BDSM chat-rooms are usually harmless places and more like childrens playgrounds than anything else. The liberating effect of online anonymity makes many people revert to their childhood personas, so there are always the same kind of show-offs and bullies and tantrums that you’d find in any playground, as well as the good kids playing nicely. Guys turn cart-wheels to impress the girls and middle-aged moms go all girly re-living high-school crushes. Be that as it may, there is no excuse ever for anyone being rude or impolite to you online in a way you would not accept in ‘real-life’. There’s usually a lot more men than women cruising around online, by the way, so females are often pestered. Use a non-gender specific nickname or get used to it. Some ladies, of course, love the attention.
What about safety and cyber-stalking ?
It’s a sad fact that people are often more comfortable having deep, personal conversations with strangers than with those close to them. Remember though that, however charming a person sounds, you really know nothing about them except what they tell you, which may not be the truth. Your revered online ‘Master’ may in fact be a timid batchelor still living with his mom. Your new ‘best-friend’ may turn out to be a fruit-loop or a limpet that you can’t shake. Protect your ‘real’ life and the people in it from online fall-out. Don’t give out personal information, telephone numbers, or addresses unless you’re 100% sure about who you’re giving them to. As long as you’re careful in this respect you can, in the worst case, change your nick-name, your email account, your isp, or even switch the computer off and leave it off to get rid of pests. Harder to do if they’re knocking on your front door. I don’t mean to sound too negative, but the internet can be dangerous in ways most people don’t realise so just be sensible and look after yourself. OK ?
What else do I need to know ?
Not much. Be careful who you trust, be skeptical about the things you’re told, and remember what you do in online chat always involves real people who have real feelings.
Part 2: Weasel Words
The Things People Say Online
(and what they really mean)
“You sound interesting. I’d really like to get to know you better” = “I want sex”
” You can trust me, we’re friends now” = “I’ve wasted enough time listening to you rambling on about your boring and monotonous life. I want sex now ”
” r u M or F” = “I’m really 13 and mom doesn’t know I’m surfing the internet so late in my bedroom”
” Wanna fuck” ? = ” I’m really 13 and socially inept too ”
“How old RU” ? = as above .. and the same for any other stupid abbreviations the dimwitted use online as though real words were rationed”
“On your knees slave” = “I’m a shoe salesman who’s used to being ignored and I’d have no clue what to do next if anyone ever did take me seriously”
” I am your true Master” = ” I wear a woolly cardigan and live at home with my mom and my pet gerbil Horace”
“Thats a spankable offense in this chatroom” = ” I may as well see if the new girl’s stupid enough to fall for it”
” Slaves must kneel on entering this chatroom and ask permission to leave ” = ” I have the mental age of a child of 10 and inhabit some weird sci-fi gorean fantasy”
“You’ll find that I’m a firm but fair Dom” = “I’m totally boring and unimaginative”
“I’m a bit of a brat really..<giggle>” = ” I’m the female counterpart of the “Firm but Fair” Dom. I have no imagination either”
“I don’t have a picture I can send you” = ” I’m not Susie the Submissive Sex-kitten .. I’m really Bearded Bob the computer nerd.”
” I don’t have a recent picture I can send you” = “I’m 20 years older and/or 100 pounds fatter than I told you… and I have a wooden leg”
“I’d like to send you my picture” = ” I’m desperate for someone to talk to. I’ll just dig out that picture of me when I was 10 years younger and/or 30lbs thinner”.
” My wife is vanilla and fully understands my need to explore D/s in online chat” = ” My wife thinks I’m playing Nintendo”
“My wife and I don’t sleep together any more and I feel very lonely at times” = “My wife and I screw like rabbits, but having a sub online too makes me feel kinda cool”
“I’m divorced/separated” = “I’m cruising for sex online tonight because my wife’s out at the shops”
” No-one I’ve played with online has ever made me cum like you do” = ” I’ve shagged every guy in the chat-room”
“I’m using online chat to explore some of my sexual fantasies in safety” = ” I’ve shagged every guy in the chat-room and given my computer mouse and the games joystick a good seeing too as well.”
” I never truly gave my submission to anyone online until I met you Master” = ” I spent so much time in the past submitting to strangers online that I have callouses on my knee-caps and I call the computer Sir”
” We seem to be a little lagged sweetheart” = ” I’m a bit busy secretly talking to my other master and my lesbian girlfriend on ICQ”
” I just have to re-boot my computer” = “my wife/husband just walked in on me”
” I bet you’ve got a lovely voice. Can I phone you, just to talk for a moment” ?” = ” Quick .. my wife’s gone out and I want ‘phone sex before she gets back”
“I will always honour the collar you gave me ” = “I will take every opportunity I can to dishonour it and act like a total slut”
” Trust me. I will never betray you, Master” = “I will betray you in every way I can think of”
” I’ve been too busy with ‘real-life to spend much time online recently ” = ” You bore me and I’m having cybersex every night with someone else these days anyway”
“I’ll go straight to bed after we finish talking Master. Trust me, there is no-one but you, and there never will be. I love you. ” = “I will go straight to an orgy chatroom and have cybersex with my lesbian girlfriend, 15 strangers, oh…and maybe my other master ”
Part 3: How To Survive
Ten Top Tips on how to survive online chatrooms
Look and listen
When you first go into a BDSM online chatroom don’t just dive right in and demand to be spanked or covered in whipped cream. Take a little while to get the feel of the conversations and whats going on
Don’t be afraid to ask questions
Most chatrooms have people called ‘operators’ who run them. They should be friendly and they’re there to help you. Ask questions if you’re unsure of whats going on or whats expected of you. If they’re not helpful, its a crap channel and you don’t want to be there anyway. Try another…there are lots.
Beware bullshit
BDSM online chatrooms float on a sea of bullshit. In BDSM/spanking rooms 99% of the people don’t know any more about it than you do. Don’t ever be fooled into thinking that anyone has a clue simply because his self-selected nickname starts with “Sir” or “Master”. With few exceptions, chatroom “Sirs” and “Masters” are called Norman and live at home with their Mom and a pet gerbil called Horace. They’re none the worse for that, but just don’t take them too seriously.
Do as you would be done by
Because of the freedom and anonymity of BDSM online chatrooms its tempting to think that normal standards of kindness and decency don’t apply. But always remember its real. There’s a real person behind each PC with real feelings just like yours. Try to apply the… “would I like that done to me”… test. If you wouldn’t, then don’t do it. Even if no-one else knows what you’ve done online, you do.
Be sensible with personal information
Most people in BDSM online chatroom are nice, ordinary, everyday folks just having a little fun. But like anywhere else there are weirdo’s. Get to know people well before you give them access to your “real life” through your telephone number or address. Beware instant ‘best-friends’.
Watch out for your heart
BDSM online chatrooms are littered with broken hearts and ex-Doms and subs who swore it was forever. The trouble with online chat is that you can get in very deep, very quickly. Much more so than in “real-life”. The vast majority of passionate online Dom/sub love-affairs last a few months at the very most. Long distance relationships are very hard . Only a tiny proportion of online romances… very, very few… make the cross-over into “real life” and have a fairy-tale ending. Take chances by all means, but be aware of the odds.
Keep a firm grip on reality
Much easier said than done. The problem is that its not as easy to differentiate clearly between the ‘online world’ and “real life” as some people think. Everyone I’ve known who’s seriously thought about this has the same problem. Even in overtly fantasy situations, real people with real feelings are involved. Bottom line is that its always potentially more than “Just online chat”
Don’t put up with any crap
Wherever you go in BDSM online chatrooms, you are entitled to receive the same kind of politeness and consideration you’d expect in your daily life. No-one, whatever silly nickname they use, has an automatic right to your respect or submission. Both have to be earned or offered. So unless you particularly get off on it, don’t ever let anyone abuse you or humiliate you. You have the ultimate power in your own hands. Its called the “off” switch and it makes the jerks vanish into thin air.
Be careful what you give away
Its tempting to think that the world of online chat is ‘just fantasy’ and that nothing you do there matters or has any consequences. For some that may be completely true, but others could find themselves wishing they hadn’t already given valuable things away lightly. Your submission, for example, is a precious gift. Be careful what you give away online because you just might need it some day…
Have fun
And finally .. if you’re going to give BDSM online chatrooms a whirl then you may just enjoy the hell out of them. I certainly wouldn’t recommend them to everyone. I certainly wouldn’t recommend that you immerse yourself in them to the detriment of your real life. But if you’re the right kind of person and you hang onto your principles then you may just have found yourself a whole new world ..:)
