A Domina answers questions from a man new to submission:
Q: I wanted to say first that I was much impressed by your site and the information there. Having discovered submissive tendencies I wanted to explore I found your site and now I am even more interested than before. But there are a few questions and concerns that I have and I am not certain how to ask someone about them or where to get safe firsthand experience.
I am a 28 yr old computer professional, my looks are less than wonderful but this has never really bothered me. What you termed as Vanilla sex is always pleasant for me but I have always put my partners needs and satisfaction first. Recently I discovered an on line site that allowed for BDSM play across the internet. The person who introduced me hoped for me to be the dom and it was just not so. Before giving up though I wanted to experience what it was like from her side and found myself enthralled with the attitude and scene I found as a sub.
I wondered if you might have some information for the very very novice male sub. Or possibly be able to refer me to other sites that might tell me more. Also how would a person such as myself locate a group in their area to learn more first hand?
Your groups area did not list any thing for my area [N.B. It does now. : ) ]. And as a novice I am kind of hesitant to just show up somewhere anyway, my curiosity has driven me this far. Another fear I am starting to realize as I read more and more about this is that male submissives don’t seem to be in demand or much about (them/us?) is available. I have found a single group in Tulsa that caters to doms/subs… but it seems to be oriented towards pain and domination, and I think what I am seeking is a bit more soft than that. I really want to experience a total lack of control first, maybe more later I am not sure. And yes when I first discovered these desires I talked to my girlfriend about them… to make a long story short she now lives in California… she was supportive just not interested. Anyway thank you again for replying and for having such an informative site. I look forward to seeing more information posted and possible more replies. Thank you.
A: Hi, Novice.
You are right that it is particularly hard for male submissives to find female partners. It’s partly related to the fact that it is harder for males to find female partners even in vanilla relationships. Males, whether they are vanilla, top, bottom, or switch, have to work harder than females to find partners, especially if they are novices. But submissive males definitely have to work harder than anyone else.
It’s great that you have found a group in Tulsa! Have you talked to the organizers about your feeling that they are catering to heavier kinds of pain play than you yourself are looking for? It might be that that is not their intention, but just that that is who they have attracted as members so far. And it might be that they are thrilled to have folks who, like yourself, are interested in other styles of play. Sometimes it takes having a few people attend regularly to be there when others with their interests show up in order to get a style going within a group.
There are some groups that do lean toward female doms and male subs. Many PEP groups have a backbone of female doms who enjoy male subs. And though it might not be what you yourself are looking for, for some men seeking out a professional domme (which is legal in many States in the United States, so long as the activity does not involve traditional sexual acts that would be classified as prostitution) works as an interim measure.
One piece of advice while you look for female partners is to try to learn what not to do. You don’t seem like the type to do the things I am going to describe below, but let me give you the examples just to show you why female doms make themselves scarce. Most female tops and doms complain amongst themselves about the behavior of a lot of male submissives. The complaints generally revolve around two things:
First, many males submissives really appear to just want an extended teasing/sexual gratification session for themselves. But for most doms, male and female alike, it is a complete turn-off to be told by a prospective submissive you have only just started talking to that the person “really wants to serve you,” only to have that offer followed immediately by the grovelingly hopeful statement that the submissive would love to lick and worship your cunt “if you so choose.” This is kind of crude! Not to mention that the minute you grovel or say something just to satisfy your own humiliation desires or desire to talk about the stuff that gets you off you are implicitly forcing the person you are negotiating with into a position of domming or topping you without that person having ever agreed to do so! (By way of comparison: When female submissives approach male doms, they don’t start off by saying what they really want is to be forced to suck the dom’s dick. Even if that’s exactly what they are hoping for!) And walking up to a woman you’ve never met who is hotly dressed in leather at a party and asking her if you can lick her boots is even more crass.
If that kind of sexual activity is you want, it is much classier to let the top/dom suggest or ask about how you feel about activity involving the genitals than leaping in sentence number 2 to what it is you get off on. It is not wrong to want such a thing; but females are so besieged by males whose second sentence in a negotiation is what is going to get them off sexually that you can distinguish yourself greatly by realizing that direct genital stimulation or visibility would be up to the top/dom in any actual scene. It’s kind of a foregone conclusion that most males, vanilla or BDSM, will not turn down sexual activity from a female they are attracted to, anyway. If you are the rare person who does not hope for direct sexual activity to be part of your play, you will in fact get a lot of points from volunteering that!
While we are on the subject: one of the most hotly desired kinds of male submissives are those who will actually do service like clean the house without making it obvious that they are really just tolerating cleaning the house till they can get home and jack off. Not surprisingly, if you think about it, a male submissive who sincerely enjoys the submission of doing the services the female dom actually wants is more likely to entice his mistress into doing something to gratify him, whether that gratification is in the form of punishment or reward! You can’t and shouldn’t try to make yourself into this kind of person if that’s not what gets you off. But if it is what you are looking for, you will find partners soon enough. And if you are the more common variety of male who is daydreaming about the sexual part, try to calm down till you get to sentence 20 or so. : ) Or better still, till the top/dom asks about it! (This is probably the exact opposite of the advice I’d give to female submissives. For females, both top and bottom, it’s usually a good idea to be the one to volunteer clearing up where things are potentially going in terms of traditional sex early in negotiations. It’s not a perfectly symmetric world we live in, and males and females do have some different behaviors on average.)
Second, many male submissives assume that any female dom they meet is going to be into hearing whatever their particular fetish is, and will want to get right to the point of finding out Now. But there is a matching process involved in finding a partner for any relationship, vanilla or BDSM; and that takes time no matter whether you are male or female. Step one is to get along as friends or acquaintances. If you can flirt and joke and be relaxed with someone, that’s usually a good sign! You might do that the first few times you meet someone in a real life group; and only later get to step 2, which is to ask politely if the top/dom might possibly be interested in talking about playing at some future event. Slow down, be patient, and remember how long it usually takes you to find a vanilla girlfriend. It’s gonna take even longer in BDSM if only because fewer people do it, and even a smaller percentage of those who do it are out enough about doing it to make themselves easily findable. And third because the matching process is more involved in BDSM, since there are so many different variants of what people enjoy doing.
I know you tried that route with your friend from the net and your girlfriend who moved away; and those first tries just didn’t happen to work out. But it sure sounds like they were nice friendships along the way! If you are serious about finding a partner, those were steps in the right direction even if they didn’t work out the way you both planned. The best advice I can give you is to be yourself, look for friendship first, don’t give up for six months or a year or even more, and lo and behold, something richer will fall into your lap. That’s the way most loves in your life happen; and BDSM is no different.
