Resolved: Even Gonzo Porn Benefits from Closed Captioning

Resolved: Even Gonzo Porn Benefits from Closed Captioning

Growing up, Calico never much liked having to read subtitles when watching movies, something which led her to be biased against foreign films. Later, she realized not only that this was a dumb bias, but it was also one formed in ignorance of the fact that for many people — and the hearing impaired, in particular — there was no way to follow the plot without such text.

More recently, Calico realized she’d never given much consideration to the need for closed captioning in porn, something which clearly would aid the enjoyment of plot-driven erotica and other porn films in which dialogue is an important element.

What about “gonzo” porn, though? Do the sort of sex-only scenes offered by free porn sites also benefit from closed captioning? Ever the amateur scientist, Calico decided she needed to experiment, by taking the time to close caption a gonzo porn clip herself.

How did the experiment turn out? Find out in Calico’s latest post, “Resolved: Even Gonzo Porn Benefits from Closed Captioning”

Closed captioned porn in action!

by Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Erotic Entertainment for Women and Couples

When I was a kid, I couldn’t stand foreign movies with subtitles. The way I saw it, I went to the movies to watch a movie, not to read. And because I was ignorant, selfish and chronically unaware of the world and people around me, it never really occurred to me that this was the way deaf people watched almost all movies and TV programs. 

In other words, I didn’t realize that there were contexts in which subtitles and captions were the only way in which some viewers could truly follow what was going on in front of them.

Her First Huge Cock Captioning Experience

Later in life, I developed an appreciation for subtitles and the foreign films in which they appeared, but I remained just as dumb about closed captioning as I’d ever been. I really had no idea what the experience was like, until one day I was at a gym (yes, it’s true – for several weeks there in my 20s I actually exercised) and they had a muted television playing the nightly news while captions ran at the bottom of the screen.

I immediately realized that any person relying on the captions was going to be very, very confused by what was being reported to them, not least because according to the captions, the bespectacled, white-haired CNN host on the screen before me was named “Wolf Blitzer” – which was clearly either a typo, or some caption writer’s idea of a joke. I mean, c’mon – a guy hosting a national TV news program named Wolf-freaking-Blitzer? Absurd!

When I pointed this out to the guy on the exercise bike next to me, a fellow I would soon marry, he only made things worse by insisting that Wolf Blitzer truly was the guy’s name! This started one of many arguments we’ve had over the years that end with him saying something like “OK honey; clearly you’re right and the entire rest of the fucking world is wrong.”

He’s not that swift, my now-husband, but as you can see, with enough patiently delivered instruction and correction he does eventually come around to the right conclusion.

And Some People Think Pornhub Offers Too Much Easy Access to Porn?

Anyway, I didn’t know until recently that my longstanding ignorance of closed captioning extends to the world of porn – something I learned by way of a guy suing Pornhub because it doesn’t close caption its videos. (More precisely, Pornhub doesn’t close caption ALL its videos, but it does have a closed caption section, as the company’s vice president was quick to point out.)

Never one to simply accept the claims in a lawsuit at face value, I decided to check out some videos on Pornhub for myself. And while I can’t speak definitively to the content of all the approximately 172 trillion clips on the site, the ones I checked were not, in fact, closed captioned.

Still, part of me questioned whether closed captioning would truly add any value to some of these clips, considering the fact they were virtually dialogue-free gonzo porn videos. I mean, sure – if you’re watching a porn flick in which dialogue, story and character development are important (Shameless Plug Alert!) as is the case with many of the movies made by Angie Rowntree of Sssh.com, for example, then I can easily see the importance of closed captioning. But when the video has a title like “Horny teacher make pussy cum with dildo self-fuck”, how crucial can the dialogue be?

I immediately realized that if I’m to come to any reliable conclusion on that front, I needed to do some firsthand experimentation.

Gonzo Porn and Closed Captioning: An Experiment in the Field

Since I’m lazy and have at least two other things to do today (three, if you count changing which show I’m binging on Netflix around noon), I decided to limit my experimentation to a single clip. And what was my experiment? Why, writing captions for the dialog therein, of course!

Since I can’t vouch for the absolute accuracy of my work and I’m not 100% sure about the copyright implications in all this, I’m not going to identify the clip, or the performers in it. I don’t think this undermines my point though – which is that closed captioning DOES add value to gonzo porn.

The video I chose for my experiment starts with about two minutes of music while a female performer grasps at various parts of her body and stares into the camera while biting her lower lip. It’s kinda sexy sure, but sexy in that “I’m going to have to hand you $20 when this song ends, aren’t I?” kind of way.

The first words spoken in the video, once the music dies down, come from someone off-camera who isn’t particularly easy to hear. My notes indicate he says: “We have a special event for you today… we have a first (unintelligible) for you today.”

“Oh, thank you,” the woman replies. “I’m going to get so stretched today.”

While I missed one of the key words in the first line, I think the fact she anticipates being “stretched” makes it pretty clear what that unintelligible term is: “Personal trainer,” right?

“How stretched?” the off-camera voice asks.

“Sooooo stretched,” she responds, grinning widely. “Maybe bigger than your camera lens.”

Hmm. Ok, so maybe they’re not discussing a personal trainer here.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” she adds. “It’s been like… building up.”

The off-camera man then says that the male performer about to enter the scene “needs no introduction” – which is good, because he doesn’t get one.

The two performers kiss a bit, after which the man says: “God dammit.” From my days as a one-semester student of film, I recognize this as being the moment in which the film’s conflict is introduced – something I would have missed without the dialogue as a guide.

The two performers and the man off camera then talk over each other a bit, with the only part I can make out being the woman saying “tastes good,” presumably in reference to their kisses.

Grasping at a rather prominent bulge in the man’s slacks, the woman then says “It’s sooo big.”

What a twist! Bet you didn’t see that one coming, right? Are we sure M. Night Shyamalan didn’t direct this?

“I wear this red lipstick so I know everywhere I’ve touched with my mouth,” the woman says, starting to kneel. This line is a classic literary device, obviously – sort of like Hansel and Gretel with the breadcrumbs, only ‘cockier.’

“Fuck… god dammit,” the guy says as she continues to fondle the bulge.

“I’m ready to devour this cock” she says, quickly adding “this big cock.” As anyone who has studied film will tell you, it’s important to reiterate key plot elements in the dialogue, so viewers don’t lose sight of their centrality to the narrative at hand. In this case, it’s clearly very important that viewers don’t forget this fellow has a very big penis.

The scene then moves on to the sex, starting with a blowjob. Due in large part (hah! See what I did there?) to the size of the man’s cock, most of the dialogue from the woman at that point becomes a series of gurgles, gags and gasps – along with the occasional reminder that the cock she’s sucking is quite big.

I could go on, but I needn’t do so, because we’ve already established how important the dialogue, plot elements, and character development are in this scene – and therefore, how necessary it is to close caption it. 

This is true not just for the hearing impaired, but for those viewers who live in cramped little dorm rooms and don’t want to wake up their roommates by having the sounds of porn blaring out of their smartphones in the middle of the night.

[ed. And there is an alternative to closed captioning – good old fashioned American Sign Language!
Take a peek at the result, starring Ashley Fires and Sean B:]

This Public Service Announcement Brought To You By Sssh.com – Porn for Women – Some Of It Closed Captioned!