By Morgan on The Dominant Guide
Seriously, a Dungeon?
The word has a lovely, dark, evocative feel, doesn’t it? “Dungeon” is a term you’ll hear a lot in BDSM circles. And they can be dark and lovely, even a little creepy (in a good way), but really a Dungeon is just a space designated for BDSM play. It can be someone’s garage, a room in their house; it can be a temporary space set up with play equipment for a one time party or a permanent space that, even when no one’s in it getting freaky, just sits around looking kinky. It can be done up all in black or bright neon to the nines or just be a big warehouse room with play equipment in it. Depends on who’s set it up and who peoples it. It can have one spanking bench or a plethora of play stations, maybe separate rooms for different activities. Dungeon=BDSM play space. That’s it.
Etiquette Basics
A lot of this might seem like basic, common sense, but the reality is not everyone knows and particularly in a new setting like a kink party, we can get a little… carried away by the energy of it all. Something happens when we suddenly have permission to do things we haven’t before and we’re no longer sure where the limits are. “Freeeeedooooom!” Well yeah, but… no. And I wish getting carried away was only something that happened when we’re new, but even party #214 can be a heady experience. When I volunteer to work local parties, we go over the basics again every time.
For parties, private or other wise, that don’t provide you with rules you can review ahead of time, either in writing or on a website, there are still some basic guidelines that’ll help you get by without getting booted out or get you a bad reputation on your first day on the playground. As one friend says, they mostly amount to “don’t be an jerk”, but what that looks like to each of us might be a little different, so let’s go over them.
Don’t touch without asking. Even a hug if you don’t know someone is a bad move without permission, much less anything more intimate. If you see someone you know and you have an existing relationship that includes hugging, then go ahead, otherwise keep your hands to yourself unless you get express permission.
Don’t touch anyone’s toys. Unless you get permission. If you’re not sure if something a loaner toy or not, ask.
Will there be sex or nudity? Some parties have strict “no sex” rules. Find out. Find out what they mean by “sex” while you’re at it. Is there a dress code? Are there rules about nudity? Some parties want to make sure you look fairly tame as your coming into the venue, but once you’re inside anything goes in terms of attire. Might be good to find out, if nothing else, as part of knowing what you’re in for and making sure you’re not getting too far outside your own comfort zone.
Clean up after yourself. There are usually cleaning supplies near play equipment. That’s so you can clean up any stray sweat, saliva or other body fluids (*ahem*) after your done using it. If you’re not sure, you might even want to bring your own. Some sanitizing wipes and/or a hand towel or two may not be amiss.
Respecting Space. Be aware of how close you are to people who are involved in a scene. Some dungeons have markings of some kind (roped off areas or tape on the floor) to make it clear how close is close enough, but not always. For your safety and others, you don’t want to be in reach of a back swing when impact play is happening, tripping over cords, etc. and you also don’t want to be close enough to distract the players. BDSM can be intimate and very intense. Besides being dangerous, if you’re too close, you can be invasive and distracting, ruining the feel and experience for the people playing.
This includes your voice level. Don’t talk if you’re close to a scene in progress. If you must, then keep your voice as low as possible. If you have to talk at length for some reason, move away.
Confidentiality is very important for any BDSM function and it can be a little tricky. Many people, for a variety of reasons, cannot be out about their involvement. What happens at parties stays at parties. If you’re talking to someone who was at the party and comparing notes on a cool scene you both witnessed and no one can overhear you, head on. You can also refer in very general terms to something you saw if you’re talking to a friend, being careful to keep any identifying information out of your description.
If on the other hand, you run into someone you saw at a party in the frozen food section of your local market a couple days later, don’t mention the party. You might just nod knowingly over the stir fry medley, smile a little as you pat the peas down if they happen to catch your eye, but don’t say anything. Even if no one else is around, be careful. Some people don’t like to have their “kinky self” even referenced when they’re in the non-kinky world.
If you do end up saying hi to someone that you’ve met at a party and someone else is there and later asks, “So where do you know them from?” It’s not cool to tell them. This is a case where having a nice little fib prepared is actually the ethical thing to do. Just say you met them through a friend when you ran into them having coffee or something like that.
Conversely, if you see you’re co-worker at a kink party, don’t go up and chat office or tell people where they work. Don’t bring up the weeks assignment to your English Lit professor over the spanking bench. Some people keep their “real world” identities separate from their kink personas and hearing their profession or lawn issues mentioned might spoil their mood, or worse. Some people don’t want people in the community to know what they do in their daily lives.
These things may change as you get to know particular people and discover what they’re personal boundaries are around confidentiality, but if you don’t know, just don’t go there. It’s getting better, but we still live in a time when there’s a lot of discrimination and shame around BDSM and it’s crucial to respect the needs of others when it comes to confidentiality. When in doubt, less said is better. Confidentiality can be tricky, but it’s very, very important.
Be careful with intoxicants of any kind. Some parties have strict no alcohol or drugs rules. Some are a little more relaxed as long as you don’t appear to be inebriated or out of control in any way. Make sure you know the policy of the event you’re attending.
A Few Added Notes Regarding Intoxicants
Keep in mind if you decide to imbibe anything, that it can affect you more strongly and much faster when you’re at a party. The energy of a party can be intense and infectious, causing a feeling of being naturally high anyway. Anything you add on top of that is possibly going to hit you harder than you’re used to.
Some people won’t play with someone who’s had anything at all that’s mind altering. It amounts to a “hard limit” and isn’t negotiable. If you want to play and you’re not sure who you’re going to be playing with, then it’s something to consider. Some of us get nervous and like to have a glass of something to help us relax. Some of us think that’s okay. Some of us can get a little carried away and overdo it, especially given the added affect of “kink party high”, as mentioned above. It’s a good idea to be conservative if using anything mind altering.
Any sort of mood altering substances can have an affect on the issue of consent. It’s important to keep that in mind. A bottom may agree to things they normally wouldn’t and regret it later, leading to feelings of discomfort, at the very least. Also, pain tolerance can change dramatically with any kind of buzz. It’s risky territory to Top someone who’s high, especially if you don’t know them well. And even then, it’s something to think about.
Read the Fine Print
Every party is going to have its own rules of conduct. Public parties will usually have something typed up for you to read and sign. This covers the organizers and also you. Rumor is a lot of people don’t bother to read the rules and disclaimers. Not a good idea. I’ve seen people escorted out of parties because they were breaking rules, rules they were ignorant of because they hadn’t read the rules. It’s really in your best interest to be as clear as you can be on what the hard limits are, not only for safety reasons, but for social reasons. It can be tough to live down a poor showing at a first party. First impressions and all that. Stuff happens, but don’t let it be because you didn’t bother to get familiar with the rules ahead of time. Read and when in doubt, ask.
This article originally appear By Morgan on The Dominant Guide
